How to Find an ENM-Affirming Therapist: 6 Questions to Ask

You shouldn't have to waste 3 sessions convincing your therapist that your relationship structure is valid.

Maybe you're looking for a therapist who understands your relationship structure but have no idea where to start.

Maybe you live in a conservative area and are afraid of how asking questions about ENM might come across to a therapist.

Or you've had too many bad experiences in therapy with therapists who just didn't get it to count.

Finding someone who will help you through the problems in your relationship without labeling the structure of your relationship as THE PROBLEM really shouldn't be this hard.

Scheduling a consultation is a great, low-investment way to weed out therapists who may not be informed or affirming. Here are 6 questions to ask during your consultation to help you determine if someone is the right fit.

1. What is your experience working with ENM/polyamory?

Ideally, you're finding someone with experience, education, or training around working with folks in nonmonogamous relationship structures.

We know everyone has to start somewhere, so a lack of clinical experience may not be a deal-breaker, but it's good to know.

You might also ask what kinds of ENM relationships they have worked with and whether they have experience working with multiple partners or relationship constellations.

2. How do you approach agreements and boundaries?

This question is key to understanding if the therapist you are consulting with understands how unique each ENM relationship is.

No two relationships look exactly the same — and that's the point.

Look for a therapist who is willing not only to do the work of understanding the different agreements and boundaries in your relationship, but also someone who wants to know WHY each of them is in place.

Bad agreements get broken and trust gets damaged.

A therapist who understands ENM should be able to help you examine whether your agreements are clear, mutual, realistic, and actually aligned with what everyone involved wants and needs.

3. How do you handle jealousy?

Jealousy is normal.

Some therapists treat it as a red light indicating that something is wrong, everything needs to stop, and the relationship needs to close.

This can reinforce the idea that uncomfortable emotions are something we need to immediately eliminate rather than information we can slow down and explore.

I like to think of jealousy as a yellow light — a signal to slow down, consider the context, and make regulated decisions from a perspective that considers your long-term goals.

Sometimes, the appearance of jealousy is a good time to expand our window of tolerance and put those coping skills to good use!

And just like joy, anger, sadness, and disgust (we're looking at you, Inside Out), jealousy is an emotion that can give us information. The goal isn't necessarily to get rid of it. It's to understand what it's telling us.

4. How do you avoid bias around monogamy being the superior structure?

We live in a culture that often treats monogamy as the default — and sometimes the only "real" relationship structure.

That means therapists, just like everyone else, can carry assumptions about what relationships are supposed to look like.

Understanding how your therapist works to actively manage their biases when they come up can go a long way toward building trust that they will not push a structure on you that you are not choosing.

You don't need your therapist to personally practice ENM. You DO need them to be able to recognize when their own assumptions about relationships might be influencing the therapy.

5. What happens if one partner wants monogamy?

Wouldn't it be nice if we were always on the same page as our partner(s)?

As lovely as that sounds, it's often not the case.

It's not uncommon for someone to realize they want to be in an ENM relationship while they are in a deeply committed monogamous one. It's important to slow the process down so that each partner can discern whether the relationship is still viable.

This is not to say that a decision has to be made before any therapy can move forward. But it is important to understand if the idea of exploring ENM = "hell no!" for one partner.

From there, it's helpful to understand the therapist's process around educating their clients, increasing differentiation so all partners can identify what they want and need in the relationship, and structuring decision-making with each partner.

This can also be a particularly painful time for one or both partners. It is important that your therapist is able to handle this pain in a compassionate and trauma-informed way.

6. How do you handle LGBTQIA+ identities within ENM?

Identity exploration is one of many reasons that folks choose to open up their relationships.

Maybe they've recently realized they aren't straight, or they didn't have the opportunity to explore their sexuality before entering their current relationship.

Finding out how your therapist would handle sexual identity exploration can help you identify if they are both knowledgeable and affirming in relation to your identities.

Look for someone who makes you feel safe and seen.